1979 Porsche 928...US$7000

story by pablo deferrari

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I had a colleague tell me once how he was robbed at gunpoint. The perp approached him in the wee hours of the night while he was walking home; it was his first time in such a situation and it seems like it was the robber’s too. When he thrust his pistol out and stuttered out “ yo mmmmonney an’ yo wwwatttttch,”  he was shaking like a leaf and nervously farting with fear as he managed to deliver his demand. The assailant was clearly wet behind the ears.
Now what if you walked into such a situation, but instead of a gun, a set of keys were thrust into your hands. The demand? Seven large…

Listen, you see a car in this sort of state, you know; the “Fast and Furious” alumni cum ‘Porsh’ enthusiast and you think to yourself…why? Why on earth would you do this to such a car? I mean it’s as wrong as French-kissing your Grandma with a hairy upper lip…and getting a rise from it. Yes, I know, you don’t even want to re-read that horrid line again. But how else can I equate what’s been done to this car in terms that, you, the 928 enthusiast could grasp with such utter, vomitous disgust?

Now, I knew the trap I was walking into. The asking price was unjustified to the trained eye and the seller clearly doesn’t see it that way. So what am I doing here? Well, I’m foolishly optimistic at times and this was one of them. You see, I thought I could somehow convince the seller that he was being a bit too enthusiastic on the asking price based on the amount of ‘custom’ work put into the thing. Just because you’ve made some tasteless modifications to your car doesn’t mean you can quickly look it up in NADA and justify your efforts by aligning it with a number reserved for a more dignified car. That’s just daft.
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Reading the ad is a dead giveaway of such a character. There are clues; spelling, grammar, knowledge of your possession, and calling your beloved Porsche a ‘vehicle.’ Sure, it is technically a ‘vehicle’ but an owner of such a machine who fully comprehends what he has wouldn’t dare refer to it in such generic terms.

Let’s address the white elephant in the room. Where was he going with the paint scheme? It’s clear that Speed racer was an influence but the blacked-out wheels, hood, and as flap are a nod to the atrocious modern color schemes we’re seeing today. The black hood reminds me of an old Opel Manta Rallye I once had when I was 17. It had a purpose though and that was to cut down the sun’s glare while thrashing about through the East African Safari. What was the point here? Was it, along with the gas flap, a poor man’s replication of carbon fibre? Or maybe the originals were so badly damaged that it forced this custodian to buy replacement panels made in Taiwan that are always primed in black. Luckily this nonsense can be easily erased along with the wing that doesn’t even look good on a race car let alone a cheap Civic or Sentra. Easy fixes though…
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Reading the ad is a dead giveaway of such a character. There are clues; spelling, grammar, knowledge of your possession, and calling your beloved Porsche a ‘vehicle.’ Sure, it is technically a ‘vehicle’ but an owner of such a machine who fully comprehends what he has wouldn’t dare refer to it in such generic terms.

Let’s address the white elephant in the room. Where was he going with the paint scheme? It’s clear that Speed racer was an influence but the blacked-out wheels, hood, and as flap are a nod to the atrocious modern color schemes we’re seeing today. The black hood reminds me of an old Opel Manta Rallye I once had when I was 17. It had a purpose though and that was to cut down the sun’s glare while thrashing about through the East African Safari. What was the point here? Was it, along with the gas flap, a poor man’s replication of carbon fibre? Or maybe the originals were so badly damaged that it forced this custodian to buy replacement panels made in Taiwan that are always primed in black. Luckily this nonsense can be easily erased along with the wing that doesn’t even look good on a race car let alone a cheap Civic or Sentra. Easy fixes though…
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The interior, however, didn’t get the TLC that the exterior received. The seller sheepishly acknowledges that it needs work, but was he under the influence of LSD when he goes on to say that the driver’s seat has a rip in it? A rip? Looking at the seat reminded me of Claes Oldenberg’s ‘Soft Toilet,’ hardly just a rip, the poor thing has been pummeled with farts and obesity most of its life. And let’s not address the white, ahem, gentleman’s relish stains dotted about the cockpit or Grandpa’s beer/false teeth/change holder propped up between the passenger seat and console. I also dig the period bullshit keypad alarm system where the twats who installed it no doubt butchered the factory wiring loom splicing and cutting wires all over the place leaving you to wonder why your battery can’t stay charged for 2 hours while you’re getting a table shower.
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OK, but let’s put all of the obvious adolescent touches aside and look at the bigger picture. This is a ’79, it seems to be in relatively good shape honestly flashing shameless snippets of its 34 years here and there. All of the silly stuff can be eradicated pretty easily…probably in a weekend, hopefully before you pick up your date or client whom you want to impress with your choice of vintage Porsche, and certainly before the next cars-n’-coffee shin dig. The last thing you want to do is lead your contemporaries to believe firmly in the fact that you’re a complete dumbass for buying the thing in the first place and an utter embarrassment to be associated with when you wave and honk your horn to them as you pull up. Try telling them ‘you will not see many of them in Michigan.’

That being said, would I buy it? Absolutely, you see, I’m low brow as it is, people expect me to have a shitbox like this based on my looks alone. And quite frankly, I can give a monkey’s what they think especially when I correct everything that’s wrong and incorrect knowing that in my lifetime, this choice will be highly valuable and pretty sought after by the same people who laughed at me for making such a purchase in the first place.

But not at that price. You see, you may fool others but you’ll carry that mistake to the grave. At $7000 you weren’t only robbed, you also offered your backside for the seller to deflower…

1979 PORSCHE 928 - $7000 (CHESTERFIELD) UP FOR SALE IS A NICE 1979 PORSCHE 928. THE VEHICLE IS IN A GOOD CONDITION FOR IT"S AGE THE CAR RUNS GOOD I DRIVE IT EVERY DAY IN THE SUMMER.
THIS CAR HAS NEVER SEE SALT OR SNOW
THE CAR IS AN ALUMINUM BODY WITH 4.5L V8 ALSO ALUMINUM ENGINE AND 5 SPEED MANUAL TRANS.
ABSOLUTELY NO RUST THE VEHICLE IS IN A GOOD DRIVING ORDER.
THE VEHICLE NEEDS NEW INTERIOR WORK, DRIVER SEAT HAS A RIP IN IT.
THE CAR HAS 91,000 ORIGINAL MILES ON IT.
THE INTERIOR IS A WORK IN PROGRESS.
THE CAR ENGINE RUNS GOOD WITH ONE LITTLE ISSUE, THE EGR FLANGE HAS A CRACK IN IT SO YOU CAN HEAR A EXHAUST LEAK. I NOTICE IT AFTER STARTING IT UP FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS YEAR.
THIS IS A GREAT CAR, FUN TO DRIVE AND YOU WILL NOT SEE MANY OF IN MICHIGAN!!!!!!
PRICE IS $7000 O.B.O
 


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